What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 01:29
Why did i forgive my father ?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was in good health!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I will be 64.
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So, i spoilt her more .
What did i know ?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im still living with it.
What are some of your shocking stories?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
This is soul school!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She married twice! .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Is crossdressing being a transvestite?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Have you ever witnessed political correctness harm someone?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why are French people known for having affairs?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why do companies cull employees during financial downturns without saying so?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Who is Meghan Markle and why is she so controversial on the Internet?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
(And it was in our own minds.)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But, we were locked up after school.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He resisted the act ,that day.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Put me off passion for life!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So whats the point in blame.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was seconnd youngest,
But ive been too sick for many years..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Ive learnt so much.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I waited trembling.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I think the readers, may guess!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I said to her
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was 9 years of age.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I don,t even have a pension.
I write beautiful poetry .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We were not on the streets..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
It was going to be , some day.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One cannot live in the past .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My family never makes their pension either.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Would this be the day?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Comes on , in middle age.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She found it foreign!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Was to survive, this bastard.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But it wasn’t much.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
All the time i was locked up.
When she asked me how she looked .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was scared of men, in general
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She loved him until the end.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Who then, do I blame.?
We all went to grammer schools
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was very sick at this time too.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My life is so biszare .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Especially a lifetime of it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I have no regrets .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And i lived it daily.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I could never make a relationship work though!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I never cut or harmed myself..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He knew the spot.
She wouldn,t have been !